I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
