so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
