This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
