Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
