I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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