His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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