If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
