Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
They are going to name an STD after you.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
