True but thats because hes a fetus.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
