He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
