the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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