Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
