i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
