trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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