Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
