i would punch a child for taco bell
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
