The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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