He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize