you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
