She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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