between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
