So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
