The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
