I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
