We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize