I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Randomize
