i don't plan on having that self control this summer
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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