my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
