also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize
