i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My dick has a subreddit
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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