I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
