remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
