I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
