After last night, I could never be a politician.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
