Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize