you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
