I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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