I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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