We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
