They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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