i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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