So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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