she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize