Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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