I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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