obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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