Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
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