so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
