Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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