I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
