Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize