and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My legs feel like baby dolphins
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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