My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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