Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
