did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
