Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
