im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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