U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
