my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
