it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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