You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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