i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
